


A Bird in the Hand is a Pain in the Ass

by PrincessOfDragons



Category: The LEGO Batman Movie (2017)
Genre: Kidnapping, M/M, Ransom, Repressed Emotions, and lots of coupley bickering, batman and joker both suck at parenting, cartoonish violence, catwoman is going to be having so many issues with this angel child, is this a slowburn? not really but sorta, mututal pining (probably), no matter how hard they try, okay this is going to be fluffy and adorable probably, title subject to change as I had not thought of one prior to posting it lmao
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-21
Updated: 2017-03-26
Packaged: 2018-10-08 18:53:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10393863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrincessOfDragons/pseuds/PrincessOfDragons
Summary: When Robin is kidnapped on his way home from Joker's,Batman and Joker team up to find their favorite bird-themed superhero. What follows is a lot of arguing, different parenting styles, and a damn near constant denial of any emotions that may or may not be felt. Meanwhile, Robin's kidnapper finds herself in more and more danger of falling prey to the very boy she kidnapped.





	1. Disappearance

**Author's Note:**

> Wow I haven't written and posted a fanfiction in literal years? This is going to be an interesting experience for sure, dusting off all the cobwebs and such on my writing abilities and willingness to ever finish anything ever. This probably won't be long, but will have a few chapters. And here I thought my first fanficiton on this site was going to be Klance. The Lego Batman movie owns my soul now, I guess.

Ever since Batman and Joker helped save Gotham by holding hands, Joker has been much more… Tolerable. Don’t get me wrong, Batman and Joker still duke it out every now and then like good arch-nemeses do, but it’s been different. In a good way. Joker has been behaving a bit more and causing more mayhem than harm, and has even taken a shine to Robin.

That’s why, although Batman still doesn’t trust Joker as far as he can throw him (which is a bad metaphor, in hindsight, given how ripped Batman is, he can probably throw him pretty far), he’s been letting Robin hang out with him when they aren’t fighting. It had started on accident, when Joker had kidnapped Robin, and Batman had burst in to find them sitting and watching movies together instead of finding his son dangling over sharks or lava or something.

Joker kidnapped him a few more times, and always claimed to be up to nefarious and devious deeds, but Robin had always managed to ‘escape’ by the time Batman had gotten there and was in the middle of laughing at whatever the Joker said or losing to him in Mario Kart or something. Eventually, Robin admitted that he would occasionally go over there of his own volition because he and Joker were friends now.

Batman never really liked it, and always got a weird feeling whenever he saw Joker and Robin laughing and bonding together (Jealousy? Rage? He was never good at identifying them specifically. He assumed rage.), but he knew his Boy Wonder needed to make friends, even if it was with the Joker.

That’s why, when Robin went out to go hang out with the Joker. Batman was not worried. He continued to not be worried, right up until 9pm, when Robin said he was going to be back.

At 9:05pm, Robin was not back, and Batman was more annoyed than worried. Robin was usually very punctual, but occasionally Joker would convince or trick him into the dark side of –gasp, staying out past curfew!

At 9:15pm, Batman texted Robin with 75% annoyance, 20% anger, and 5% worry. _You needed to be home 15 minutes ago, Dick._

By 9:30pm, Batman was about 25% worry and 75% angry- this time at the Joker. Robin always responded to texts within five minutes or less if he was awake and able; it was one of the boy’s many endearing and great features. This time, he texted Joker directly (yes, it is normal to have your arch nemesis in your phone contacts, shut up). _Joker, send Robin home already, I’m tired of you making him late._

When the Joker responded not three minutes later, Batman had achieved a perfect 100% on his anxiety score.

_J: I sent him home 45 minutes ago?_

******

Meanwhile, Robin’s phone lay abandoned on an alley floor, showing numerous unread messages from his actual BatDad and his “I-Can’t-Believe-He’s-Not-My-Dad” Joker.

_BatDad, 9:15: You needed to be home fifteen minutes ago, Dick._

_Mr. Joker, 9:17: You home yet, kid?_

_Mr. Joker, 9:31: Batsy says you’re not home yet are you okay?_

_BatDad, 9:34: Dick, where are you?_

_BatDad, 9:34: Robin?_

_Mr. Joker, 9:35: Kid you better answer me right now before I kidnap you for real this time!_

_BatDad, 9:37: I’m coming to get you, Dick_

_Mr. Joker, 9:38: Alright, kid, I’m coming to find you_

_Mr. Joker, 9:38: Your dad’ll never let me hear the end of it if you got hurt under my watch_

_BatDad, 9:38: Answer me as soon as you get this_

*******

“Mmmmph, mph, mmph, mphhh?” Whatever wisdom Robin had to share with his kidnapper was lost to the confines of shiny, silver duct tape. The villain peered up lazily from the shadows, sharpening her nails. Whether they were fake nails on her suit or actual, real nails on her fingers was left to his imagination.

“Got something to say, Boy Wonder?” She asked as she strolled over, not so gently ripping the duct tape off. Robin visible flinched, but doesn’t complain about it. He’s definitely had worse.

“Why are we here, Miss Catwoman?” He asked, looking around the dark storage room from his spot tied to the chair. “I dropped my phone in the alley back there, BatDad has got to be worried by now!”

Catwoman made a face at “BatDad” but otherwise did not comment. “That’s the point, sweetheart. Your dad worries, he gets his billionaire roommate Bruce Wayne involved, and I get paid handsomely for your safe return!” She flashed a feline grin at him as she finished, tail swishing behind her as she struts around him.

She pauses a moment though, leaning her weight on the arm of his chair and glancing down at him. “Wait, is it Batman or Brucey who’s your dad anyway?”

“Yes.”

Catwoman’s eyebrows rose up, somehow a visible facial expression despite her cat cowl covering her actual face. “So you have two dads, and they’re the Dark Knight and the richest man in all of Gotham?” She let out a low whistle and laughed, ruffling Robin’s hair. “Talk about having friends in high places, Kid!”

Despite the situation, Robin was beaming with pride, and happy sparkles filled his eyes. “I know,” He said with 100000% more love in his voice than a human should be capable of, and Catwoman found herself looking away from him quickly, lest she fall under whatever spell he’s cast over the Joker.

As if he could tell that his faux-dad is on her mind, Robin asked “why didn’t you just snatch me while I was at your hideout? I was hanging out with Mr. Joker all night, you didn’t have to wait until I was walking home.”

Catwoman ‘pft’d at him in response. “Yeah right, like the Joker would let me lay a hand on you. Lemme tell you, ever since that whole “greatest enemy” debacle and your Super-Dad-“

“BatDad,” Robin interrupted, much to Catwoman’s confusion and annoyance.

“What’s the difference?”

“My dad is Batman, not Superman,” Robin answered, vaguely aware of the slight animosity between his super cool dad and the Man of Steel.

Catwoman narrowed her eyes at him, and tried to figure out where her train of thought had been derailed. “We were discussing how Joker is my dad’s greatest enemy?” Robin supplied helpfully with a kind, helpful tone. Catwoman briefly considered the fact that kittens may not be the cutest thing on the planet anymore, not with this abnormally nice child tied to a chair in front of her.

Shaking her head, Catwoman muttered a thanks and continued. “Anyway, ever since Batman declared his undying hatred for Joker, our “Clown Prince of Crime” has gone totally soft! He’d never let me kidnap you; he thinks of you like a son.”

Robin’s eyes go wide and his mouth opened slightly, looking up at Catwoman with all the hope in the world and tears starting to form. “He… Thinks of me… As a son?”

Catwoman, hypnotized by the boy’s huge, vulnerable eyes, found her heart aching for this child. Whoever made him upstairs had forgotten that most people are supposed to be a balance of light and dark, and just poured the sun and stars directly into this kid’s eyes.

Not knowing what to do with Boy Wonder sniffling from happiness and smiling a watery smile, she simply ruffled his hair and patted his shoulder. She realized with an inward sigh that she may have gotten herself into something much more complicated than a simple kidnapping and ransom, and struggles to hold onto her resolve, wondering if this is how Joker felt the first time he kidnapped the world’s worst case of Lima Syndrome.


	2. The Scene of the Crime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we get the Batman and Joker we deserve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg you all are SO NICE I'm so excited you all left comments gosh my ego has inflated to a size to rival Batman's! Okay, there's much more Joker and Batman in this chapter for you all to enjoy (I, for one, love writing for Batman, as he's egotistically hilarious and cute), and also I'm starting to realize my writing style is super weird when writing for Lego Batman (and in general, probably).The ending felt kinda off and less great than the beginning, but it's building up! Anyway, thank you all and ILYA, I feel super supported!

The residents of Gotham city, bless their souls, were so used to crazy and violent things constantly happening, no one even looked up when they heard what sounded like footsteps on their rooves. They figured it was just Batman patrolling again, and some had even mapped out a route he takes based on who heard what and when. Of course sometimes they were wrong and a villain would come crashing through their window in the next instance, but villains were quieter about it because they were trying to be sneaky. Batman was not trying to sneak by the civilians in their houses, and he spent so much time protecting them, no one ever told him hey, get the hell off my roof, man. He wouldn’t have listened anyway.

So when Batman grappling hooked and flipped and tumbled his way across their rooftops to track down the chip he put in Robin’s phone (like a GOOD DAD not a helicopter parent shut your mouth), the citizens ignored the noise. Some even texted their friends “lol I think there are Bats in my attic again” because some of the Gotham citizens have a very stupid sense of humor.

Batman, none the wiser to the amount of puns and stupid jokes he was spawning, simply trekked on.

“Turn right here,” ‘Puter’s voice said into the quiet night. Changing direction with a tug at his grappling line, Batman landed heavily on the roof of a small shop. Although he could probably show off doing some sort of wicked rolls and jumps to get across the space in a flashier (read: COOLER, Batman doesn’t DO _flashy_ ) way, he didn’t want to waste time on his hunt for Robin. Plus, no one was watching, really. Well, no one in the city.

“Your destination will be on the left,” ‘Puter informed him, then pulling up a location.

“Prissy Paws Pet Shop?” Batman asked himself out loud, grimacing at the ridiculous name. He’d complain about it later.

He landed lightly on top of the building, peering down into the alley with narrowed eyes. Just before he can dial Robin’s number to locate the phone by sound, he noticed something sparkly and yellow hidden as well as sparkly yellow phone cases can be hidden in shadows.

For once thankful for his kid’s penchant for sticking out even when he’s not around, Batman jumped into the alley and rolled to break his fall and _maybe_ show off just a _little_.

Bending at the waist to pick up the phone, he lit up the lock screen to see the messages left for him. He’s mildly surprised to find ten messages unread, seeing that he and the Joker both left five worried texts on his phone. His insides contracted slightly at the thought of Joker, his _enemy_ for crying out loud, being just as concerned and worried for his son as he was. Whatever emotion he was feeling wasn’t rage or annoyance or pride, so he chose not to spend the time identifying it. He was tired of trying to identify whatever knot his family or Joker had left in his stomach this time.

Speak of the green haired devil, a familiar voice sounded off right behind him as he’s lost in emotion-denying thought. “Fancy meeting you here.”

Batman whipped around to flying kick the person behind him in an instinctual response to being snuck up on and the sound of the Joker’s voice, and was almost relieved to feel familiar anger bubbling in him instead of whatever else was as the clown easily avoids the predicable kick with jump backwards.

Joker laughed and held his hands up in surrender, grinning widely. “No need to be so jumpy, Batsy, I’m not here to fight you this time!”

“Why _are_ you here, then?” Batman asked with a sinking feeling that his non nonsense hunt for his son was about to become some funny business. “ _How_ are you here, also?”

“Same reason and way you’re here!” Joker answered, gesturing to the phone. “Seems Boy Wonder up and got himself kidnapped, _again_. You really got to get a handle on that boy, Batsy, he’s more trouble than I’d expect from a kid his size and personality type.” 

Ignoring the fact that Joker has basically admitted to being worried about his Superhero friend-son, Batman jumped straight to “are you telling me you chipped his phone?! That is so uncool, major dick move, J.” 

Joker gasped in indignation, pointing an accusing finger at the caped crusader. “Well how did _you_ find him then, hm? Echolocation? Bat-senses tingling, maybe?” Gaining back his smug little smile when Batman remains moodily silent at his call-out, he continued, “I already know where you two live, it’s not like I was stalking the boy.” 

“Why, then?” Batman asked with narrowed eyes, pocketing the sparkly phone for now. 

Joker flushed slightly, hoping the pink wasn’t visible under his layers of white make-up. “Again, same reason as you did,” he replied with crossed arms. 

The two fell into a silent glaring match, both feeling an uncomfortable tingling in their chests at the quick and annoying thoughts about their worry for Robin and subsequent non-enemy connection to each other. 

About to start arguing with each other again probably, they both cut off and look to the bat-ility belt when Robin’s phone started ringing with an annoying pop song ringtone. They shared a look with each other, and then Batman fished out the phone as Joker stepped closer to peer at it with him. An unknown number was on the screen, and the chase was about to begin. 

********* 

Robin, with his mouth again duct tapped lest he call out to his parent(s), watched as Catwoman paced a few feet from him with the phone to her ear. Just like the dysfunctional two in the alley, Catwoman was also ignoring feelings as she waited for them to pick up. Hers were about how easily and freely Robin gave out his own phone number to help Catwoman call his phone to try and ransom him off. She couldn’t tell if that was stupid or smart of him, and was actively denying how nice of him it was. 

Finally, a familiar, deep voice picked up the other line. _“Hello?”_

“Hey there, Caped Crusader,” Catwoman greeted warmly enough. “Whatcha up to?” 

_“Don’t play games with me, tell me where Robin is.”_

“What’s the fun in that?” Catwoman asked, draping herself across the nearest object to get more comfortably situated. “I like games, and this sure seems like a fun one to me!” 

_“Doesn’t seem like it to m- No, don’t touch, hey, give me-!”_ Catwoman took the phone from her ear in confusion at the racket on the other side, wondering what the hell was going on on the other end. 

_“Hey fellow villain, this is Joker,”_ The Clown Prince began and Catwoman was suddenly very thankful for the voice changing collar she had put on for the call. While she had doubted Batman would be able to tell it was her from voice alone, she knew Joker would have recognized her in an instant. _“Listen, I’m all for fun and games, but I thought we had come to an understanding that Robin didn’t really count as fair game anymore.”_

“No, _you_ decided that, and everyone else just went with it because no one wants to get on your bad side,” Catwoman accused, tail swishing behind her. “I, however, don’t care how you feel about it.” The fact that she was glad her voice was hidden from her indicated she cared a _little_ , but chose to ignore that fact. 

An offended sputtering greeted her from the other end, and she giggled as Joker started to rant to her about his power and position in the city, especially as Batsy’s greatest enemy and blah bah blah, yap yap yap, meow meow meow, what _ever_. 

“Yeah yeah, whatever, listen,” She cut him off, which again was met with rage and hostility on his part. She was about to make her demands when she heard scuffling over the phone, Batman and Joker’s arguing voices drowning out her train of thought. “Hey, guys, hello? Listen!” She yelled into the phone, getting no response. “HEY! PUT ME ON SPEAKER OR SOMETHING YOU STUPID, SQUABBLING TODDLERS.” 

The line went quiet again as muttering takes over, until finally Batman answered her again, cracklier this time. _“You’re on speaker. Tell me where Robin is and get this over with.”_

“You’re in no place to be making demands, Batsy,” Catwoman said, trying out the Joker’s nickname for him. Given how wrong and weird it felt to say and the indignant squawks from Batman _and_ Joker at the misuse, Catwoman decided against ever using it again. “I’ve got all the leverage here, so I’ll be telling you what I want, not the other way around,” she finished with the least playful tone she can muster. 

_“Batman does not take orders from villains, you-“_

_“Shut up, now is not the time to be pissing off whoever has your son!”_

Catwoman laughed out loud after a moment when Batman actually shuts up, shocked by the irony. “I’ll cut to the chase so you two love-birds can get back to squabbling with each other,” she started, again ignoring whatever sputtering the two did in response. “I want $100,000, be it in cash or jewels or gold, I’m not picky. 

_“What do you need so much money for?”_ Batman asked at the same time Joker muttered that they should have just robbed a bank. 

“I like to live comfortably,” Catwoman answered with a shrug she knew they couldn't see, adding on “and I don’t like to get my p-! Hands, dirty when I don’t need to,” Catwoman added as coolly as she could while she knocked herself in the head for almost saying “paws” instead. What a stupid way to almost blow her identity. 

Batman only growled through the line in response, so she finished up. “I’ll give you boys some time to gather up all that glittery treasure for me. I’ll be calling you back soon to tell you where to leave it. Have fun now!” With that, she snapped the phone closed with a click and rounded back over to Robin, who had been kicking his feet slightly and watching as she talked.

“Okay, Kid, the tape can come off now. Can’t have you blowing my cover now can I?” Catwoman asked with a wink, yanking off the tape again. This time when Robin flinched from the sting, she found herself apologizing about it. 

“It’s no problem Miss Catwoman, I understand,” Robin said with a smile as Catwoman has a small, internal crisis. She’s back by him for what, five seconds and she’s already apologizing to him?! What species even is he? If he were evil, he’d no doubt be ruling Gotham with that special magic of his. 

“Uh, Miss Catwoman?” Robin asked again, head cocked like a quizzical puppy. Oh God it’s getting cuter. “Are you okay?” 

Internally combusting, Catwoman muttered an affirmative and Robin beamed at her. “Great! Then uh, can I go to the bathroom? I’ve been holding it for a while now.” 

Catwoman blinked at him and sighed. This is going to be a long night. 

****** 

“Harley, do a villain roundup for me, would ya?” Joker said into his phone not moments after he and Batman got off the phone with the kidnapper. “No, this is not another surprise mass surrender, girlbuddy,” he said, smiling in a mixture of exasperation and amusement. “We’re tracking down Boy Wonder.” 

Batman, staying silent and still while Joker was on the phone (unlike _certain_ arch-nemeses in this alleyway…), arched an eyebrow when Joker started getting flustered. “Yes I said we, no, I’m not- Listen- Okay yeah sure I- Yes I’m working with Batman Harls shut up!” Joker hissed into the phone, white cheeks tinted pink. Batman shifted in discomfort at the realization that he is, in fact, working with Joker right now. He briefly considers ditching him, but figured he could use the Clown Prince’s help. Plus, the Jester would absolutely give him hell for it if he even tried. 

“Alright, thank ya kindly girlbuddy! See you in a jiff!” Joker finished after their tiff was over, hanging up and sliding his phone in his pocket. This time he rounded on Batman and clapped his hand together. “Alright, my favorite animal themed nemesis, we’re headed to the hideout.” 

Ignoring the weird reaction and blood rushing to his cheeks at the thought of being Joker’s favorite anything, Batman narrowed his eyes at him. “Why? Walking into a villain hideout while being a superhero seems self-destructive at worst, stupid at best,” Batman said in an accusatory tone. Before Joker can even respond, he tacked on “not that I couldn’t single handedly kick all their butts myself.” 

Joker rolled his eyes at the finishing sentence and chuckled. “And yet our dear Boy Wonder did it nearly every week without a fear in the world. 

“Our” causes=d the same reaction that Batman ignored in the same way, huffing an angry breath. “I’m not _afraid_ to, Joker, I’m just trying to point out that I’m not in the mood to deal with any tricks of yours while searching for Robin!” 

“And I am?” The villain asked with a raised, bushy eyebrow. He pivoted on his heel, turning back to go to his Joker-mobile. He figured Batman would follow, which he did begrudgingly. “Besides, I can’t just whip out a plot like _that_ ,” he said with a snap at ‘that’. “My plans require much more forethought and care, Batsy.” 

Just as Joker was about to get in the driver’s seat, Batman, standing in front of the car, asked “Dude. Are you aware you’re in like, three parking spots right now?” 

“Yeah, don’t worry about it, get in the car.” 

“Okay.” No movement. 

“… The _passenger_ seat, Batsy.” 

Batman grimaced like a child, looking to the driver’s seat. “I always drive on missions.” 

Joker made no move to hide his disbelief, leaning against the frame of the car. “This is _my_ car, Batty.” Before Batman can counter with some other childish remark or comment on the changing of nicknames, Joker swings down into his chair. “We’re wasting time, get in the car so we can go find Robin!” 

“Don’t order me around!” Batman snapped, though still got in the passenger seat while muttering bitterly under his breath. Joker just smiled triumphantly and started up his car, which roared to life with a satisfying purr of the engine. 

“Alright, Batsy, let’s get this show on the road!” Joker exclaimed with a wide grin. Batman immediately had a terrible feeling that he just sat down in a bad decision, and has his thought validated immediately when Joker tore out of the spot with a squeal of his wheels. 

Tonight was going to be a long night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY OMG THANK YOU FOR READING SO FAR! Up next; some quality Joker-mania and Harley Quinn appreciation!  
> ((This was going to be up like, 30 minutes sooner, but AO3 and I disagreed on how I needed to live my life. If anyone wants to explain to me how I ended up accidentally italicizing the last 2/3rds of the chapter that I had to undo by hand, BE MY GUEST))
> 
> Update: Why is the end note from chapter one also on this chapter and how do I kill it? Plz and thank you for your help <3


	3. The Game Begins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harley's up to some sort of gay shit, Catwoman is almost worse at living life with emotions than Batman, and underwear is mentioned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOL I should stop posting at 3am but whatever! Okay I was kinda blocked on this one and I discovered that holy crap I have been THE MOST inconsistent with tenses so now I'm trying to be rooted firmly in past tense. I'm still getting into the swing of writing frequently, so bare with me, my dears! Thank you all so much for the positive response I've gotten so far, I appreciate each and every one of you so much!

Once she clicked her phone closed, Harley immediately got to work. She was all for helping Mr. J in any way she can, and had been trying to find Robin all on her own once she saw how worried her favorite friend had gotten at his absence. However, hearing that he was working with Batman to find him, Harley had done a 180 on those skates of hers.

She was going to find Robin alright, and she was going to make damn sure Joker didn’t see even a single hair on his pretty little head until Harley thought the time was right.

******

Catwoman’s heart dropped into her stomach when she saw who was calling her. It wasn’t like she and Harley didn’t talk, because they did, but now? Of all times? An unannounced call? She was definitely caught.

On the off chance that her super intelligent friend had not figured it out, Catwoman unclipped her voice changing collar to answer the phone, answering with fake cheer. “Hey, Harley, what’s up?”

_“I know you got Robin, Kitten.”_

Catwoman felt her face heat up at the nickname, stuttering a bit as she answered. “W-What? I, I don’t have Robin!” So much for tricking Harley.

_“Oh please, you’ve never been able to lie to me, Kitty. Good try though, I appreciate the effort!”_

Catwoman groaned, glancing over at the boy in question, once more tied up but not taped. She had forgotten about it when her phone had rang and surprised her. He only stared back with a silent smile. “Okay, fine, I have Robin. But I promise I haven’t hurt him or anything, I just wanted to be able to be up to ransom off Batman’s side kick again without Joker breathing down my back about it! I didn’t know he’d join the manhunt himself!”

_“Don’t you worry your pretty little head about it, sugar. I won’t tell Mr. J where you are or that you have Robin.”_

Catwoman blinked in surprise. She and Harley were friends, of course, one could even say they were very close, but betraying the Joker for her? The very idea of it had Catwoman’s stomach flipping with butterflies. “Why?”

_“I’m cooking something up myself, and need Robin to stay out of the picture a bit longer so everything has time to simmer! You mind keeping those two dunderheads running around the city all night?”_

“I mean, yeah, I guess,” Catwoman answered with an air of confusion. “Can I still get my ransom for him at least?”

Catwoman instantly felt a sense of defeat when Harley didn’t answer as snappy as before. This was all going to be for nothing, wasn’t it? Harley answered after only a brief pause that she would, but Catwomna’s faith was shaken already. _“So are you in?”_ She heard Harley ask, shaking her from her thoughts. She seemed to be getting lost in her own mind a lot, lately.

“Yeah, no problem.”

 _“Knew I could count on you, Kitten!”_ Harley’s cheerful voice clicked off when she hung up, and Catwoman sighed loudly as she put her phone away in her utility belt again.

“Is everything alright, Miss Catwoman?” Robin asked, startling her slightly. He had been the topic of the call, but she had almost forgotten he was there; he had been so quiet!

“Yeah, kid, don’t worry about it,” she said with a small smile in his direction, languidly strolling over to sit down by him again. Her smile drooped slightly though, and she cocked her head at him. “Okay, so what’s your deal?”

“My deal?” Robin asked, mirroring her head tilt but in the other direction. “I’m not sure I know what you mean.”

She crossed her legs and arms, more on guard now. “You’re like, sickeningly nice, all the time, constantly. Doesn’t matter who you’re with; I _kidnapped_ you, and you’re asking me if I’m okay.” Robin only blinked at her, and she started up again before he could answer her. “Like, what are you after? What’s the deal? Is this your tactic of getting out of sticky situations, or some sort of grand trick you’ve set up to get out of here?”

Robin seemed absolutely shocked by the insinuation, and his chair rocked a bit as he tried to talk with his entire body like usual. It’s much harder to do while tied up. “Well gosh Miss Catwoman, I’m not up to anything, I promise! I guess that’s just how I am. Sure you’ve kidnapped me, but so did Mr. Joker and now he and I are friends!” He was smiling wide by then, and Catwoman could almost see the cartoonish, diamond sparkles in his eyes. “And you said he thinks of me like a son!”

“That’s the problem!” Catwoman exclaimed, causing Robin’s eyes to go owl wide. “We kidnap you to get whatever we want from the people that love you, not _become_ the people that love you! It’s just not right.”

Robin, for once in his young life, was left speechless. His mind was racing where his mouth usually would be, instead forming a wordless ‘O’ with his mouth and eyes. Miss Catwoman, who also seemed to be kind of struck by what she said, got up and muttered something about being back in a moment. Still not knowing what to say, Robin managed to say/ask “I’m sorry?” to her retreating figure before we was left alone with his thought.

*******

Not too long ago, Batman and Alfred had been discussing what he was afraid of. Alfred pulled some pseudo-psychology crap and told him his fear was being a part of a family again (and he was WRONG, as you can see, he is now in a completely function family, never mind when he tried to send them away and the fact that his son was currently kidnapped again), Batman had insisted he only feared 2ish things. Snakes, clowns, and their terrifying snake-clown offspring.

Well, he finally had proof that clowns were a valid thing to be afraid of, and that proof was Joker’s driving.

Now if you thought Batman drove like a maniac - or a bat out of hell, if you will – you obviously have not seen the Joker drive.

“Slow _down_ , you maniac, that was a stop sign!” Batman snapped in a voice that was high-pitched out of AUTHORITY, not _fear_ , thank you very much.

Joker cackled in response, spinning the wheel in an exaggerated way as he rounded a turn. His sharp teeth were glinting in a grin, taking obvious joy in Batman’s poorly hidden discomfort. He could almost feel the wheels come up off the ground with that turn, it was _exhilarating_. “Scared of a little roller coaster ride, Bats?”

“No!” The Dark Knight snapped, clutching his seat with white knuckles that basically spelled out his lie. “Batman isn’t scared of anything, nothing but snake-clowns!”

Joker giggled in response, the very idea of such a creature giving him all too many ideas on how to mess with his favorite vigilante. “Try telling that to your squeaky little voice. I must say, I’m impressed you can somehow manage to stay gravely and deep while squeaking like a squirrel.”

“Batman doesn’t squeak!” Batman yelled back, getting thrown against the window and letting out a manly “oof” and definitely not a tiny “eh!”. “Are we almost there?”

“Getting antsy, Batsy?” Joker asked, blowing through a red light to take a left and managing to cut off about five people at once. “We’re almost there, don’t get those beautiful briefs of yours in a twist.” Both of them glanced down to clothing item in question, despite the fact that they weren’t visible. Joker hadn’t done so on purpose, and hoped Batman didn’t notice.

Batman, the world’s greatest detective, had not. Flushed slightly under the cowl, his voice dropping back to a regular (Batman regular, not human regular) register, he muttered “Don’t call my briefs beautiful.”

Joker blinked in response to the absurd sentence, breaking the awkward silence with raucous laughter as he swung his car around and literally _skidded_ into a parking spot outside an abandoned warehouse. “That’s a can do, Batty-o. And guess what, we’re here!”

“Batty-o?” Batman asked with as much confusion as a single person could handle, eyebrow lifted at Joker as the clown jumped out of the car. Rising from his seat, Batman followed suit, his stomach still in disarray after the death-trap car ride. He was shocked when he found he was almost dizzy standing up.

“Doing alright there?” Joker asked as he rounds the front of the car, locking it once all the doors all closed. They were in a bad neighborhood, after all.

“Of course,” he answered, releasing the grip on the door handle he didn’t realize he had been gripping.

Joker grinned and swiped up his arm, interlocking their elbows and pulling him forward towards the building. “Let’s get going then!” His voice was sing song as he all but skipped onwards.

Batman hesitated for a golden moment that Joker intends to bottle up and save for later, then shook his arm loose and kept pace rather than be dragged. “You’re much too bright and sunshine-y given, oh you know, the fact that Robin has been kidnapped?”

“Oh I know the situation is grim,” Joker answered with a roll of the eyes. “I’m worried about him too, but may as well enjoy the journey, right?” A darker, much more sinister look stormed over his expression as he stopped outside the door, nearly throwing Batman off. Nearly. “Besides, all these villains know me, and know exactly what would happen to them should they _ever_ cross me.” Just as fast his bright smile was back, and he was throwing open the door and crying out in greeting to nearly every single villain in Gotham city.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If this appears with two other end notes under it from the previous chapters someone's gonna die. But yeah, I hope you enjoyed! Originally it went Harley, Batjokes, then Catwoman's POV, but I realized it made much more sense to end on the Batjokes POV than Catwoman's. I feel like this chapter was kind of slow, but that's because it was mostly set up, so I think the next chapters should be much quicker and fun. Hope you all enjoy, if you leave a comment I'll love you so much!

**Author's Note:**

> Lol there was supposed to be so much more Batman and Joker, or at least one of the other in this chapter, but I had so much fun writing Catwoman's POV and playing with Robin? This was also going to be so much longer but then I realized it would be better as a second chapter, which will be up soon, I hope. I promise there's going to be a lot more Batman and Joker in upcoming chapters, as this IS about them after all. Anyway, lemme know what you think, and I hope I did well so far!


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